Imitation of Death
by shinrai
Summary: SECOND CHAPTER: without me, his world will go on turning... a Meilin fic.
1. Dream Of Me

**Disclaimer:** I do not own CCS.  All characters were used without permission.  I'm not earning profit from this.  I'm doing this fic for the sheer hell of it.  The song 'Dream of Me' was performed by Kirsten Dunst in the film 'Get Over It.' I disclaim any rights to it.

**Rai:** A fiction produced by the insomniac that I am.

Imitation Of Death I: Dream of Me 

+++

            I dry-swallowed the small blue pill and felt as it made it's way through my throat.  My little ticket to escape.  I wasn't feeling drowsy yet and I wouldn't be until after thirty minutes.  Turning the silver knob on the bathroom sink, I watched as water poured out of the faucet's mouth and flowed continuously towards the drain.  To God knows where.

            Funny how I feel so much like that water right now.  Flushed out and continuing to flow.  To God knows where.

            I splashed my face with the cold water and felt as it washed away the paranoia and insanities of the day.  Felt as it chilled the pores of my skin to numbness.  Raising my head, I watched my reflection in the mirror.

            A girl stared back at me, her dark hair hanging freely behind her.  Her whole face wet and glistening with the moist under the fluorescent lights of the bathroom.  I watched as a thin trail of water ran down her cheek, to her neck and disappeared beneath the terry cotton robe that enveloped her body.  Without tearing her gaze away from me, she reached for the cotton towel hanging on the bar.  She wiped her face and neck with it as I felt the soft material over my skin, absorbing the water.

            Strange how my own reflection seem to deceive me sometimes.  How at one moment I would actually recognize myself, then the next every trace of recognition would vanish. That even if the mirror spoke to me, I wouldn't have perceived my own self.  Maybe because your reflection never really show you who you really are.  Or how you truly feel.  When your reflection smiles back at you, it's never an assurance that you within don't bleed.

            I turned off the bathroom lights hoping it doesn't take much time for the medicine to take effect.  Turning the television on low with the remote, I sank into my bed seeking to quickly escape the awake's curse.  I have long stopped listening the radio on evenings.  The stations tend to play the incredulously maudlin songs on late night and I for one assent that those songs should be damned.  I doubt that they ever help ease the pain.  If anything else, they only achieve to make you indulge in the morose feeling.

            A late night talk show was airing.  Good.  Psychobabbles tend to fry my brain.  It helps to drive me to sleep easier.  I wasn't really listening to the conversation between the host and the guest.  For in my mind, there was already the never-ending debate between sanity and madness.  Logic and emotion.  My mind against my heart.  A banter that rests only when I drown into sleep.

_Let me sleep_

_For when I sleep_

I dream that you are here… 

            Not too many months ago, the inner arguments ensued so much that it never gave me enough rest.  Not even in the night.  The lack of rest finally took its toll when I fainted one morning in front of the coffee machine in the office.  My doctor gave me prescription pills to take before going to bed.  I have been dependent on it for sleep ever since.

            A good sleep is the only escape I have from the distraught life that I lead.  Ironic, since I seem to be blessed with a fairly successful life.  A stable job as a corporate lawyer, my own high-rise apartment, a decent car, money in the bank… I have everything.  

Everything except the one I want.

_…you're mine_

_and all my fears are left behind…_

            The figures in the screen were slowly beginning to blur.  The pill was taking effect.  I dropped my lids as I waited for the temporary death I sought.  Waited as the last fibers of earthly awareness deserted me.  Until my heart beat in slow rhythm and I succumbed to the comforting darkness…

_…I float on air_

_the nightingale sings gentle lullabyes_

_so let me close my eyes…_

            _Soft light played with my vision.  Sunset filtered the horizon, it's scattered light reflecting on the waters of the ocean.  The waves lapped in cascades towards the shore.  And the shore was where I was.  With my beloved._

_            I felt his soft fingers threading circles on my shoulder.  The light touch making me revel in his presence.  His soft musky scent mixed with the salty sea air enveloped me as I buried the side of my face beneath the crook of his neck.  We watched the sunset together.  Him and me.  _

_            Tranquility._

_…and sleep_

_a chance to dream,_

_so I can see the face I long to touch_

_to kiss…_

_            The last strands of sunlight were beginning to disappear.  I felt the genuine comfort of security despite the change of time.  The glowing assurance of being loved in the most glorious manner.  Lifting my face, I looked into his eyes.  Sweet ambers that stared back at me with a love so divine._  

_            I traced the edges of his features with the tip of my fingers.  Grazing his skin and marveling at how someone like him could belong to me.  And to me alone._

_            He lowered his lips to my forehead as his palm cupped my neck.  And just before his lips touched my skin, he adored me, "I love you."_

_…but only dreams can bring me this_

_so let the moon_

_shine softly_

_on the boy I long to see…_

            A smile splayed across my face.  I turned to look back at him again showing as much love and adoration as my eyes could tell.  And gratified him with the only words that could subtly define how I felt, "I love you more."

_…and maybe when he dreams_

_he'll dream of me…_

_            He smiled back at me before cradling my head back into the crook of his neck.  And once again enveloping me in his arms.  Sharing a world.  Sharing a life.  Sharing a love._

_            If forever could last in a moment.  I'd wish it were this moment.  Where nothing mattered to him but me.  Just me._

_…I'll hide beneath the clouds_

_and whisper to the evening star_

_they tell me that he's just_

_a dream away…_

_            Light no longer ruled the surroundings.  The velvety sky strewn with stars blanketed us.  But the lack of light didn't matter.  We were here together.  Nothing else matters._

_…I'll dream away…_

            Riiiiiiinnnnnnggg!!!!

            I palmed my night table for the alarm clock and pushed a button to turn the sound off.  But the incessant ringing continued.  It was then that I sat up and realized it had been the phone that woke me up and cut my connection to the blissful peace of sleep and dreams.

            Riiiiinnnngggg!!!!

            The apparatus continued to demand for my attention.  I slipped out of the covers and took the phone in my hand as I reached to draw off the curtain.  Soft morning light filtered through the room, "Hello."

            "Meilin?"

            Syaoran.  Was my dream a contributing factor to make him call and have hearing his voice call my name a reality?  

            "Hey."

            Hey.  All this madness running in my head and the most poignant thing I could utter is 'hey.'

            "I think I woke you up."

            "It's okay.  I needed to get up, anyway," I replied with graceful nonchalance, "What's up?"

            "Well, I was wondering if you had plans for dinner tonight," he asked casually.

            I continued to watch the sun rise before my eyes in the horizon.  The scene conducive of a positive effect on me, "None yet," I answered as a little smile began to curve my lips, "Why?"

            "Why don't you have dinner here?"

            Here, I assumed was the manor.  He was now the Clan Leader.  The thought he extended about inviting me for dinner made me smile.  Maybe there was hope for me, after all.  But the next words he said shattered every hope building up in me.

            "Sakura's here and she said she wants to see you."

            So much for thoughtfulness.  

            "I see," I thwarted whatever urge I have to give him any idea of my disappointment, "How is she?"

_…so let the moon_

_shine softly on the boy I long to see…_

            "She's still sleeping."

            I banished the thought beginning to seep through my mind.  The repercussion of that simple statement was a raw waking of the reverie.  How else could he know she's still sleeping?  A bed.  Her. Him… 

            'Stop.' I scolded myself in silence.

            "So I'll see you at seven?" Syaoran's voice came through my spinning thoughts.

            I breathed deeply, "Right."

            "Okay," he said simply, "We'll wait for you."

_…and maybe when he dreams…_

            I stared at the sunrise. The constant reminder of a new day.  A better day.  The sight of it almost mocking me for being stupid enough to hope.

            As if.

_…he'll dream of me…_

            I grabbed the curtain I just drew off and yanked it close.  Within me, I hope I was able to do the same with my own stupid naiveté.

…oh…

dream of me.

-to be continued-

**Rai: **Here I am, writing another fic when I still haven't finished two of what I'm supposed to finish.  But I can't help it.  This idea brewed up in my mind one sleepless night and I can't avoid but wonder if Meilin felt just the same when her thoughts troubled her.  Besides, she's the most selfless character in CCS and she deserves this. I just can't promise when I'll be able to update the next chapter, since I have committed myself to two other fics I ought to be finishing.  But tell me what you think nevertheless.


	2. On My Own

**Disclaimer:**All rights to CCS belongs to…not me. All rights to the song On My Own (from the musical Les Miserables, Lea Slonga sang it) belongs to…not me also. Whoever you people are, don't sue.

**Rai:**Yikes! Just when you thought this was no longer going forward, here I come with an update. It has been a really long time since I posted this and I got the clout to update only now. I'm no longer going to explain why because the reasons will only bore you. Bad news is, it took a while. Good news is, it's here now. I kinda realized that Meilin is so depressing here. There'll be something good for her in the end of this. For now, you have to be contented with her sadness. Gomenasia..0.o

-

**Imitation of Death**

**II: On My Own**

-

_And now I'm all alone again_

_Nowhere to turn_

_No one to go to_

_Without a home_

_Without a friend_

_Without a face to say hello to_

_But now the night is near_

_And now I can make believe_

_He's here_

_Sometimes I walk alone at night_

_When everybody else is sleeping_

_I think of him, and then I'm happy_

_With the company I'm keeping_

_The city goes to bed_

_And I can live inside my head…_

The pain of unrequited love is that it seeks a future only in the blindness of dreams. So much so that when reality strikes them, they seek to sojourn back into the comfort of the twilight.

This thought crossed my mind as I methodically steered the car into the company parking lot. Lately, I've been bothered so much by these sporadic thoughts. Even before this morning's literal and figurative wake-up call. The mere breath of his name would bring me into a tumultuous ocean. Tossed and toyed. Never truly comfortable, but wanting it, nevertheless.

…_On my own_

_Pretending he's beside me…_

Fine. I'm a dreamer the wandering kind. The one that monotonously moves with the daily grind because going through it leads me to the night. The one that embraces sleep with all abandon and pretends to live the whole day. The type that would prefer death if it meant dreaming forever.

Desperate?

Probably.

But if I said I love him, would it even make sense?

…_All alone_

_I walk with him till morning…_

I went past the revolving doors and made my way towards the lobbyist to get my daily supply of mail. I filled my role in the grinding monotony. I was physically present. Adequate, even. But as always, this successful life I lead makes me feel empty. Hollow. A void. A vacuum. And possibly the only thing that would fill this emptiness will never be mine.

_...Without him_

_I feel his arms around me…_

The meaning of my existence doesn't dwell on the realities brought by daylight. My meaning revolved in the night. During the day, I was efficient but I don't truly live. Because the Meilin that exists through the day does not know love from any other emotion. And a being that doesn't exist because of love, does not truly live.

…_And when I lose my way_

_I close my eyes_

_And he has found me…_

It is in the daylight that I get lost. It is the light of the sun that I hate. For mornings only draw me out into reality. And reality was a despicable truth when sunset filters, that's when I walk towards the comforting darkness.

In this bland existence that I live through, he becomes the only thing that's precise. When I find him in the dark, I can choose to forget seeing the light.

…_In the rain_

_The pavement shines like silver…_

My mind drifted back to the memory of his voice calling my name this morning. A small smile curved my lips. I chose to forget the rest of our conversation and dwelt on the sound of that one word from him.

I would have driven the gods to hell if it would make him call me his own. But I know nothing, no force nor decree, would change this fate I was sentenced to have. I was nothing more than another Medea. Another woman who loved the man who was in love with someone else. And who will never be loved by that man in return.

…_All the lights_

_Are misty in the river…_

So I chose to pretend. And in my pretensions I chose to believe. Believe that the damning truths were mere illusions. That what's certainly real are the visions I painted in my mind. It is in these pretensions that I gain comfort. It is in my dreaming that I feel, even for just a while, how it is to be with him. To be his.

…_In the darkness_

_The trees are full of starlight…_

That is how I linger on dreaming. That is why I chose to dream. For dreaming brings to me a magical illusion I'll never find in reality. An illusion, yes. But magical, nevertheless.

These painted illusions are everything my heart wishes to see. And in a rare display of alliance, my mind shows my heart what it wants. But not without mocking. For I see these illusions only for a while and when the mind brings me back to face the truth, it knows how much it pains me.

…_And all I see_

_Is him and me_

_Forever and forever…_

Another day has slipped into nothingness. I have again moved through the day without illusions of the night. The memories of the day does not differ much from the one before or even the next. Because it isn't the day I remember.

I moved through Hong Kong's late afternoon rush hour, thinking that it only seemed a minute ago that I was entering the office building to start another day. Now, the day's nearing it's end. And I was on my way to the Manor. To meet my beloved.

And his own beloved.

…_And I know_

_It's only in my mind…_

The security waved me in through the gate and I parked the car some distance from the entrance. I checked myself for any sign of depression or even stress. None. I was all set. I went out of the car and walked along the winding driveway towards the main entrance. My mind told me I was fine. My heart continuously crashing with every nearing step that I made.

…_That I was talking to myself_

_And not to him…_

He was standing on the porch as I walked, his arms crossed and grinning. I remember my childhood visions of him in this age. He was all of that now and more. The only thing that missed in my visions was me.

…_And although_

_I know that he is blind…_

"The guard buzzed in and said you've arrived," he said as I came up to him, "you should have driven up here and allowed Jiang to park your car."

"I could use the exercise," I shrugged and teased, "the Manor now offers valet?"

He opened the door for me, good old gentleman Syaoran, "When needed."

I smiled slightly and asked him a most logical but nerve-biting question, "Where's Sakura?"

…_Still I say_

_There's a way for us…_

"In the kitchen," he answered, "with Mother. They really get along well, you know."

I thought about my Aunt Ielan. She had always been a difficult woman. But with Sakura, she had been the one who reached out. Maybe because she was the Card Mistress. But Sakura didn't really have to be the Card Mistress to be liked.

"You're mother has always liked Sakura," I said quietly.

…_I love him_

_But when the night is over…_

Syaoran took me to the par lour. The grand one with the huge windows I've always liked. Just as I sat, a maid entered with tea. I sipped from my cup profusely as I watched him through the rim. There was something about him today. He seemed…happy.

"Ni hao ma?" he asked.

I shrugged at the small talk question, "Okay. Busy but okay. You?"

There was that grin again, "Good."

…_He is gone_

_The river's just a river…_

Voices wafted from the hallway towards the par lour familiar voices. In a few moments I saw Aunt Ielan and Kinomoto enter the par lour in a happy chatter.

The second Sakura saw me, her eyes lit up and she came forward with arms outstretched to welcome me in a hug.

"Meilin-chan!" I felt the corners of my mouth move naturally to smile at her, "It's good to see you!"

How does anyone hate this girl?

…_Without him_

_The world around me changes…_

"It's good to see you too," I answered sincerely.

True as it may, that I wished Syaoran never met her so he would have stayed with me, I still can't hate her. She is, after all, still my friend. She never really took Syaoran away from me. The painful reality enveloped me suddenly and I had to sigh to hide the deepening scars.

He was never truly mine to begin with.

…_The trees are bare_

_And everywhere_

_The streets are full of strangers…_

I found myself enamored by Sakura's gaiety despite a realization within me continuously inflicting wounds.

"How have you been?" she asked.

"As I was telling Syaoran earlier, I'm okay." I smiled at her, "Busy, but okay. And you?"

She gave me the same grin Syaoran had earlier, "Good."

At that moment, I realized that something else was going on. The similar smiles and verbatim answers. It was probably the lawyer in me, but I realized that there was more to this dinner than a simple get together.

"Alright," I looked expectantly at the two happiest faces I've seen. Far different from how I looked within, "What's going on?"

…_I love him_

_But everyday I'm learning…_

"I did tell them that you'll notice it at once," Ielan-sama said suddenly.

"Notice what?" I asked, puzzled.

Syaoran reached for Sakura and held her close to him by the waist, "We we're supposed to wait until dinner to tell you." He was smiling at her. The kind of smile that I always dreamed he gave to me.

"But we knew you'd figure it out once you get here," Sakura said, as if finishing Syaoran's sentence for him.

I had a feeling I knew what was coming.

…_All my life_

_I've only been pretending…_

"What am I supposed to figure out?" I asked, my heart beating frantically trying to avoid hearing what I knew would be said.

Syaoran sighed and grinned, "I guess it can't be helped."

Sakura lifted her left hand and it was then that I fully conceived it. She was wearing a ring. On her ring finger. And not just any ring. It was the Empress Ring. The ring that passed from the first Clan Leader's wife to the next. The family's engagement ring. I knew that ring so well, because I've dreamed of wearing it someday.

I looked up to both of them. To their happy, grinning faces. Each smile stabbing through my heart like a spear.

Then Syaoran verified my fear as my eyes slowly misted, "We're getting married."

…_Without me_

_His world will go on turning…_

My vision was beginning to become blurry. So I did the only thing I could to not let them know how painful this was for me. I reached for Sakura and hugged her.

"Congratulations!" I lifted my head and struggled to get a hold of myself before I let her go.

"Thank you," she whispered to me, "thank you so much."

I smiled. Then held her shoulders at arms length. My face not betraying whatever pain I felt within. It would have been so much easier if I hated her. But I don't.

I turned to Syaoran then. I have never seen him this happy before. It wasn't just joy. He looked like a man who had answered the mystery of contentment. And I knew that I didn't give him that. He opened his arms to me, and I willingly embraced him even as I was slowly breaking inside, "Congratulations," I said.

He gave a small laugh before he let go. And I hid every shattering emotion I had with the smile pasted on my face.

"We wanted you to know before we formally announced the engagement," he said.

…_A world that's full of happiness_

_That I have ever known…_

I just smiled at him. I couldn't trust my voice enough not to betray me. The worst of my fears have come to life. This is my rude awakening. The part where the light wakes me up to tell me that I am dreaming. I'm waking up from the beauty of my dream.

And the light shines so brightly in my eyes that they hurt. And I can't help myself anymore. I just have to cry.

…_I love him_

_I love him_

_I love him_

_But only on my own_

_-_

_- _Medea is a tragic mythological character who was in love with Jason the Argonaut. But it was said that Jason never really loved her. So sad…

- Mandarin for "how are you?" Although I believe, Cantonese is the language used in Hong Kong.

-

**Rai:**There goes. I feel like a mushroom sometimes. I think I've been absent here for years already. And I don't know if those who've read this before are still around. But every now and then, I just go back. I hope you enjoyed it. It's going to be a little hard to follow this up since I started writing this back when I was pathetic and depressing. I've written the first part before. The last part, just recently. You might notice a shift in the tone of the narrative. That's because I've grown up a little and have decided not to be pathetic and depressing anymore. I can't promise anything, but I will try my best. Opinions and reactions are most welcome.


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